Random Voice

Holidays and time passing

2009-01-03T06:54:00.000-08:00

Well, the holidays are over and not a moment too soon. Do you think I'm a dork for putting the tree decorations away Christmas afternoon? Well, at least the dishes are still out. But not for long. I plan to put those away this weekend.

It's not that it was a bad holiday season. In fact, it was quite pleasant. It just wasn't spectacular. I mean, it's a lot to ask to have the best holiday EVER each time, isn't it? Thanksgiving was here and we had about 10 for dinner. The house was full of babies and toddlers. That was actually a lot of fun. Watching them interact was a blast. They all get on quite well. Christmas was quiet, as usual. Next year, I think G will really be starting to "get it" and it should be getting really fun. The family party was last saturday but the timing didn't work for us as it was in the morning. By the time C got home from work and G. woke from his nap, it was over. Oh well. We might host next year as we'll have the baby and it might be easier than trying to travel. We'll see how it goes.

All's well on the baby front -- last u/s showed him measuring one week ahead which isn't surprising as G measured ahead for his entire gestation. I've started talking to G a little bit about a sibling/new baby but he doesn't much care. I'm not sure how much he can really understand at this point anyway. It's so far away, it probably doesn't much matter.

In G's world things are just fabulous. His vocabulary is finally starting to grow leaps and bounds. I caught myself from cussing last week when someone took a parking space I had my eye on and now when he want's a laugh from me he yells, "AWWWWW FUDGE!". He's starting to get that tape recorder quality in his vocabulary -- we've got to start being careful with the words we're choosing!

And 2 words that sum up my free time lately: Mob Wars

I find myself

2008-11-29T10:03:00.001-08:00

I find myself posting again.
I find myself pregnant again.

OK, it wasn't quite like that. Not the proverbial OOPS! pregnancy that people like me dream about. I actually transferred the last 2 of our 5 frozen embryos in September after a failed cycle in July. To my amazement and C's suprise, it actually worked! Interestingly enough, the blogosphere is the first to know with the exception of immediately family. Hell, even G doesn't know yet and he lives with us. Of course, with him being only 20 months, it's easy to keep secrets from him. So according to this due date calculator, I'm 11 weeks today. I think I'll hold off telling people for a few more weeks. It still seems too early for my comfort.

In the meantime, this afternoon we'll head for my brother and sister-in-law's house. They've got a 2 year old and 8 month old twins. It always makes me feel better about how I view the chaos around here.

Back in the Saddle Again

2008-05-04T08:18:00.001-07:00

Friday, I went to my aunt Anita's wake. I loved her dearly. Somehow while I was there, I volunteered to create and manage a web site for the family, including messageboard and photo albums. I'm not exactly sure how that happened but I'm just as happy to do it. At least I still feel like I'm kind of in touch with the wired world. I've been working on it for 2 days and still can't manage to get it published. I avoided the DNS issues by publishing to the IP address but replication is taking forever on their live servers and I still can't see the site. That's not bad enough, but I'm using a new web design client called Microsoft Expression Web. It's a Cadillac compared to FrontPage, the client I'm familiar with using. My plan is to get it online and beg the family for help. I'm sure someone knows more about web page design than I do. I hope. No, I really hope. *sigh*

Some people just suck

2008-04-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

I think when you sell your house you should advertise it like a car or any other like-valued asset: "free to good home", "300K or BO", etc. Here's why:

We're in the process of looking for a new house now that we've finally sold the seattle house. We found one we could work with. it's not our dream house by any means, but it's got all the right features and is in a great location. The biggest down side is that it needs a lot of work: new kitchen, new roof, new deck, pool work, the garage is actually falling backwards, among other things. So we offer what is a fair price minus some of the biggest repairs it needs right away. We figured that if the sellers are interested in negotiating, they'll counter with someehting close to the middle or maybe a little bit higher. Do they? noooooo. they counter for 5k less than the full price. What I want to know is how in the HELL is this a negotiation? Why didn't they just say, "price firm" or not counter?

I hate this part. I had to try 3 or 4 times to get a house in seattle -- every deal kept falling thru. So we're back at the beginning and really there's not much here to look at. we're probably going to be at this for a while. *sigh*

on blogging

2008-04-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

The truth is, I miss it when I don't post. I was thinking about it today and was wondering why I seem so attracted to typing out my random thoughts and then inviting anyone to read it. First off, why should someone care? But okay let's just say that someone does care. Why would I want to share most of this stuff with people anyway? Some of it's personal but really most of it is just plain weird. But I do it because I do. I'm not sure it's strong enough to be a need but I'm really drawn to it. The whole idea of blogging and reading others' blogs fascinates me and I spend hours getting caught up with folks that I grow a great fondness for. The community, by and large, is hugely attractive.

I think being physically isolated is probably a big factor. The transition back to a rural area is proving challenging. I wouldn't change it for a minute but I frequently find myself missing being involved in a fast paced lifestyle. Just things like being connected. Not many people really "on the internet" here in the same way my friends in Seattle are.

My spiffy new computer helps, too. It's so sweet! We've been running Vista Ultimate on our 4 or 5 year old Inspiron 8200 with only 512MB of memory. That just hurts. It does okay but we try not to work it too hard so it doesn't just implode. I think it's got some hardware issues, too. The hard drive sounds like it's going to melt any second.

Spring is here and it's a perfect time to begin again.

You know, I never introduced this blog and people read it. Then, I disappear. So it seems apt that I return without comment.

Life: What a long strange trip

2007-08-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

OK, I think I'm back. For real this time.

So much to catch up on but first I should just tell the world that the love of my life arrived on March 5, 2997 at 10:45 PM. He was born at 37 weeks gestation (3 weeks early) and was 7 pounds 9 ounces -- 20 inches. His name is Gregory David.

He's the happiest, cutest baby ever. Of course. He's also napping upstairs as I type. What a good boy to let his momma tell the world about him. Until I catch up, here's a picture to keep you busy:

More later as I hear him stirring from his nap upstairs. I just wanted to get started. Life tends to happen in 15 minute increments these days.

"Everything's Fine!"

2007-01-07T08:17:00.000-08:00

Well, December was a whale of a month for me. I'll try not to bore you any more than necessary.

During the 2nd week (12th & 13th) we went on a "babymoon" to Salish Lodge and had a fabulous time. It was only 2 nights and 25 miles away but it seemed like a month at a far away resort. The accommodations were luxurious, the food devine and the spa treatments were heavenly. Unfortunately, the weather wasn't very cooperative. The last night of our stay, western Washington was hit with a huge wind storm and over 1.5 million homes/businesses, etc. lost power. The lodge wasn't immune. We checked out in the dark, came home to a dark house and went to get our dogs from the trainers where they'd been in the dark. It was a long day. Our power was restored late that night, which was faster than most. We're lucky to be on the same substation as the local hospital. We always have better power service than others nearby.

Mom & Dad were here over the holidays and were quite generous with the shopping. Bought us 3 pieces of beautiful furniture for the nursery at USA Baby. In this picture, the crib and the dresser on the left in the main picture and then the hutch that fits over that dresser (hutch not pictured anywhere). They also payed the balance of the glider that we ordered in November and bought a bunch of nursery accessories from BabiesRUs for us. I'm excited to finally pull the nursery together. C. finished painting it tonight so tomorrow I can at least start hanging clothes in the closet and stuff. My mom and I have a serious jigsaw puzzle addiction and worked on a Springbok 1500 piece puzzle while they were here. I finished it days after they left and have purchased a new one. I'm thinking I might start that today but it seems something always gets in the way of my leisure plans.

New Year's eve was fun, as usual. Every year for the last several years we head for K's house to have some fabulous "white trash" food and watch the Twilight Zone marathon on Sci-Fi channel. Recently it's been even more fun because we can TiVo our favorite episodes and pick and choose what we watch. The menu consisted of white trash weenies (Pillsbury crescent rolls around lil' smokies), beef tips in demi-glaze, chips & dip, bleu cheese salad dipped stuffed french rolls, deviled eggs, and my favorite... Whoopie Pies! Knowing that I had a Dr's appointment on Wednesday, I held back to 2 whoopie pies and then that biatch K sent THREE home with us. I didn't eat any of them before my appt though. I'm such a good girl, doncha think? We made it home and were in bed in time to ring in the New Year. Which, by the way, is an improvement over recent years. Generally, we're asleep by 11. Yeah, I know we're boring.

Wednesday after New Year's I had another big OB appointment and level II ultrasound. Here's the highlights:

Ultrasound: normal fetus, normal amniotic fluid level, normal organs, baby breech and facing backwards and measuring 30.5 weeks. Estimated weight 3.5 pounds. Some concern from the radiologist that the baby is measuring so big for his age and told me that the IUGR we were initially worried about can be completely dismissed at this point. heh.

GD screening: Drank the glucola at the end of the ultrasound. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be either drinking it or dealing with all the sugar in my system for the next couple of hours. Made me more confident that I was doing ok with the glucose levels but still worried 'cause (1) you never know and (2) BIG baby

Weight: Lost 3 pounds. Dr. seemed happy with that (well, as happy as she ever seems) but did ask me a few times if I was eating any carbs at all. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA she doesn't know me very well. I DREAM carbs.

Fundal height: I'm measuring at exactly 28 weeks. She said I'm really hiding him in there since he's so big already. She also expressed concern about his being big for his age and we both just presumed it's GD, the blood work would confirm it, and we moved on to another subject.

Blood pressure: 122/70 -- still great

Urine: normal

Blood draw: 2 vials -- blood sugar and iron levels.

She asked if we were having him circumsized and if I'd chosen a pediatrician yet.

The last 2 weeks, I've been feeling REALLY tired all the time. I think worse than the first few weeks. I just presumed that it was my iron levels finally crashing. It's so normal to have iron deficiency in pregnancy anyway and since I started with such a disadvantage with my hematocrit levels, it seems an easy presumption to make.

So the nurse called yesterday and left a message on my cell phone that I got when I left the office for home: Blood sugar -- normal; Iron levels -- normal; final ultrasound result -- normal. "So, everything's normal! Call if you have any questions and see you at your next appointment!"

Our childbirth classes start tuesday. Eight weeks worth! The first 6 weeks are childbirth prep and then one week of breastfeeding and then a week of newborn care.

We got the car seat today -- the recent news from consumer reports was so apropos. I was at BabiesRUs when they opened yesterday and bought the snugride "emerson" or whatever that ugly plaid color is. I wasn't totally in love with it but I wanted to have SOMEthing. I went later in the day to another local baby store in the midst of a 15% off everything sale (MAN that place was humming!) and saw the snugride metropolitan. I really liked that so I ordered one and it'll be in on Wednesday. I also liked that they can show us what strollers are compatible so C. and I are going to go up at some point before the sale ends so he can test drive some for height. He tends to kick the wheels of the shorter ones. So I returned the first one at the end of the day. Before they could finish the refund, It was at the register in someone else's hands. Those Graco's are literally flying out of the store.

K and I got the paper for the shower invites yesterday so we can get those sent out. They're in the shape of a hippo -- SO CUTE.

Next up: finalizing the stroller purchase decision. I'll try to be better now about keeping up to date.

again with the scale

2006-12-06T14:03:00.000-08:00

Blood pressure, despite having it checked after the weigh-in (CHECK)
Urine Protein (CHECK)
Fundal Height (CHECK)
Overall well-being (CHECK)

So it turns out that I'm on track for a "normal" pregnancy as far as my weight gain goes. What my body is failing to recognize is that evidently I'm experiencing an abnormal one. So I went 5 rounds again with the doctor over diet, weight and exercise. It's actually starting to get a bit comical when I'm not just plain pissed about it. I'm tempted to type up a paper with my exercise routine on it so I can hand it to her for my chart on the next visit. I'm bloody well sick of having the exact same conversation with her about it every single time I see her. For the record I'm net +5 according to them. That's in 8 weeks. The scale at the gym that I've been using shows net +2 as of 7:30 this morning so I'm not sure what to make of that.

Next appointment is January 3 and I'm scheduled for a 1 hour glucose tolerance test, hemotcrit & serum ferretin blood draw and Level II ultrasound for growth. When she told me about the GD test, she almost made it sound like she wanted me to have GS -- I get the impression it would explain the weight gain to her. I know it's not GD; I just have the metobolism of a snail and I always have. Why do you think I weigh this much now despite the working out?

So I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize and think about how happy I will be to have our little boy in our lives, but honestly, it's really difficult. All of my thoughts are preoccupied with worry about the scale and that leaves precious little room for anything else in my thought bubbles. I'm getting less and less tolerant of people who aren't supportive of me and that includes my OB. I suspect sooner or later, she or some other poor unsuspecting person will hear me blasting with both barrels.

For today, life goes on. I'm feeling great and have no complaints about how my pregnancy is going, unsupportive physicians aside. I've been feeling him kick pretty consistently for a few weeks and can't wait until C. can feel him from outside my belly. He seems to think this whole "honey the baby's kicking -- put your hand here, QUICK" is some conspiracy made up by women who want to keep men on a short leash.

Speaking of C. he had his "Conscious Fathering" class Saturday and really liked it. He came home with all kinds of information and wanted to go to the bookstore for some recommended books. I think he's starting to get really excited. I've been reading Vicki Iovine's book Girlfriends' Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood and a couple of breastfeeding books. I've already finished Heading Home Your Newborn, which I've passed off to C. for his reading pile. I'm open for recommendations of course.

Next up: Car seat safety class this weekend. Two nights at a beautiful spa/resort next week and then my parents come to town on the 20th. While they're here we hope to get lots of early shopping done and firm up our gift registry. We're also scheduled for our infant CPR class that week and the tour of Labor & Delivery. OB appointment on Jan 3 and then the childbirth classes start. It's all starting to happen so fast!

Shocking!

2006-11-16T09:53:00.000-08:00

On my way home last night, a power wire snapped from a pole about 3 cars behind me as I waited at a traffic light. It was so powerful that I felt the shock from it come from the steering wheel up both arms and through my body. It felt like a really really big shock from a really powerful electric pasture fence. except bigger.

My first thought was "well, if I'm ok, the baby's ok" then a few minutes later I thought "holy shit, the baby's in water!" I tried to call my mom (a RN) when I got home but she wasn't answering so I ended up calling the Dr's office. The triage nurse called me back, told me she'd talked to the dr on call and they wanted me to go for a non-stress test. They told me that they may not be able to actually do it because I'm still so early, but they wanted to try. They also said to be prepared to be there for several hours.

So C. met me at the hospital. They checked my blood pressure, heart, temperature then listened to the baby. Everything was great and they called the Dr. who came in and told me that she didn't think a non-stress test was necessary. I told her I'd feel better if I could feel the baby moving a little - I hadn't felt movement since it happened. She offered an ultrasound and I was gleeful! When I told her that if she could peek between the baby's legs and let me know if she saw anything, she'd have done more than any radiologist to date, she said "oh, well now we HAVE to do an ultrasound!" So we saw the baby -- it was moving! and... definately a boy!

She did say that it wasn't a wasted call -- I did the right thing. she was going to go onto the internet and check pubmed and a couple of other sites to see what information is out there about electrical shock in pregnancy but did warn me not to google. She calls the internet the "worrynet".

So I waited until I got home to google. (c'mon, you knew I would!). note to you googlers out there: do NOT google "+electrical shock +pregnancy". You'll be sorry.

And now I'm worried.

*sigh*

bock bock bock bock bock

2006-11-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

Well, we have a very healthy baby. Still measuring 1 week ahead and everything looked great. Unfortunately for us, it's a very uncooperative baby. Radiologist is 80% certain that it's a boy, but the umbilical cord was between his legs and the Dr. couldn't really get a good view. He said that he sees something right next to where the cord is, but couldn't be sure.

OB appointment went OK, too. The Dr. was on call and running late due to deliveries so I was seen by one of the nurse practitioners. (didn't upset me a single bit as you might imagine). Urine protein was good, blood pressure was good (117/74), gained *GASP* 2 pounds (but nothing was said) and had blood drawn for hematocrit and ferritin levels. She encouraged me to keep going to the gym as long as I'm comfortable and wrote a prescription for massage therapy as necessary. I'll be using it for physical therapy, I think. I have at least 2 more ultrasounds scheduled -- 28 weeks and either 34 or 36 weeks. The Dr. called me this evening and apologized for not seeing me earlier today -- went over the results of the ultrasound and the appointment notes. She confirmed that we'll have more chances to verify the gender. Best yet, didn't mention the weight! I forgot to get a flu shot while I was in there, but the Dr. told me that the shot offered at the plant is fine, so I'll be getting one at work next week.

I've been going to the gym every day but admittedly, crunches are getting more difficult. I'm hanging in though. I'm not quite ready to give up yet. Interestingly, this weekend, I considered getting a couple of personal training sessions at the gym just to verify that I'm on track with the prenatal workouts. I did a search on my gym's site for trainers that specialize in prenatal (my gym has close to 90). Of the 90, there are only 6 with this specialty. As coincidence would have it, the trainer that teaches the class that I take 3 days a week is one of them. Well, that saved me a bundle of money. I guess there's no need for the private sessions. I get all the information and ask all of the questions I need during class.

So after the appointments today, we went to lunch then shopping at Babies R Us. I was too chicken to buy anything. *sigh* tomorrow's another day.

Overdue Post

2006-10-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

Friday's weigh in results: net -1 pound.

We've been using the doppler every night and it seems from the sounds that we're having a pony. I hope it's a small, cute pony.

All's fair in love and war...

2006-10-17T20:50:00.000-07:00

When C. and I developed our new "you're gaining too much weight" strategy, we decided that I'd weigh myself with the same scale at the gym each week and use that number to guage how well we're doing with the strategy. Since I did the first weigh-in on Friday, I'd continue to weigh on Fridays. I broke down today and weighed -- I've lost 2 pounds since last Friday. Lest you think that I've somehow developed an eating disorder in 4 days, let me assure you... NOT TRUE. I still luuuuuv food. It's all part of this strategy. Even the beautiful, yummy steak fries I had for lunch today :-D

On my way home, I got a Vmail from Hitler's office, er, I mean the OB's office on my cell. They said that the quad screen came back "normal", whatever THAT means, and that they'd see me at my next appointment. I always thought there were numbers associated with it -- not just "normal" "not normal". I might ask them when I'm there.

So if you're scoring today -- pretty good day. On the slate for tomorrow: Call The Gap and try to get another pair of pants. I ordered a pair a few weeks ago and they are the most fabulous pants EVER. Now, of course I can't find them in the store and can't figure out which ones they are online.

Tipping the scales... Literally

2006-10-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, I could have been sucking in my abs more, but this is a picture taken at 15w6d. It was also taken prior to the asskicking I got from the OB wednesday.

Other than the asskicking, which I'll get to later, the appointment was great. Bloodwork still normal, including iron count (no supplemental iron necessary) and folate. Urine is normal (sugar & protein). Blood pressure is also still low. She listened to the baby's heartbeat with the doppler and said it's great.

But she says I'm gaining too much weight. I've gained 9 pounds total so far and because I'm tracking for 30 pounds total she's concerned. Honestly, I'm not too concerned. I'm doing my own tracking and have gained 2 pounds since 11 weeks. I must have seriously packed on some pounds between 8 & 11 weeks. Plus, C. is making my meals now to take to work and we're having lighter dinners (salads, etc.) so I'm not going to bed with such a full stomach. We'll see how it works. I expect it'll be fine.

In other news, my parents have graciously offered to buy us a crib. Mom sent me a link to one style that caught her eye, and I really like it. My parents are coming out to visit us for Christmas (our first out-of-town Christmas guests since we moved here 11 years ago!) and we'll go look for cribs and order one then. I'm also planning to do the registry then. Lordy, I can't believe I'm actually planning to do a gift registry!!

Next appt: Level II ultrasound (fetal growth scan), November 8

It just got better

2006-10-07T09:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I couldn't stand it another moment.

Until now, I'd always been skeptical of people I'd heard about who were 5, 6 or more months pregnant and didn't know it. Well, more to the point, I'd always thought they were either big fat liars of just stupid. I am here to tell you today that I officially understand it. If it weren't for my clothes not fitting, I'd never know I'm pregnant. I hear stories about people with food cravings and aversions, crying at TV commercials, super sensitive skin, gag reflexes, etc. I don't experience a single bit of that.

Three things happened recently that caused some nervousness:

My 11 week NT scan showed a strong heartbeat but the baby wasn't moving, despite the poking and prodding of the ultrasound tech.
Someone on one of the boards that I post to went in for her 15 week check and the baby's heartbeat had stopped sometime after her 11 week appoinment. She had no idea whatsoever.
I went to the dentist last Monday and they told me that generally speaking they can spot a pregnant woman right away by looking at her gums but my gums looked healthy and great!

So combine all this with the fact that I have no symptoms and feel great (except for the fat thing), I've been a nervous wreck.

So C. and I rented a fetal doppler. It arrived yesterday. We tried it last night when he got home from work and he found the heartbeat right away. I feel much better now. I guess the alternative is that I'm always calling the doctor's office. Next appointment: Wednesday

* * * * *

In other news... I convinced C. to take the sign language class with me and we're having a fabulous time! It's going really well and we're looking foward to signing with our baby as soon as we can.

It's Still Not Real

2006-09-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

I can't explain it but I think Meg said it best, really. It's so very hard to relax and enjoy this pregnancy when I know that so many of my friends are still suffering. Additionally, I realize every moment that it can be my last moment... That this can end at any time. That's never far from my mind.

* * * *

Having said all that, I'll move on to the NT scan and OB appointment. It was actually last week, not yesterday but even though it went well, I didn't feel so great about it afterward so I haven't posted. The truth is that I feel very disconnected right now. Disconnected from both the pregnancy and from other pregnant friends -- online and IRL friends. Ok let me just get it out. After all, confession is good for the soul, right?

First I went for the NT scan. I was 11w1d and it was a milestone. My first transabdominal ultrasound! The tech asked how I was doing and I told her that I was a little nervous because I'd had some brown spotting that morning. Thank goodness she didn't tell me that brown spotting was fine. I'd have killed her. My miscarriage last year made itself known with some brown spotting and that was the same ultrasound office that did the verification after the Dr. couldn't find the heartbeat anymore. But like I said, she didn't say anything and just started the ultrasound. The first thing I noticed was that the baby wasn't moving. I was literally laying there holding my breath. She showed me the heartbeat and said it was fine. I felt better after that and just watched her do the measurements while I tried to remember them all. The CRL (crown to rump length) was 52mm which translates to 11.9 weeks so it's consistently a week ahead. The heartrate was 161. The NT measurement was 1.3mm and I'm told that anything under 3mm is great. She showed me the blood pumping thru the umbilical cord and the regions of the brain with the color doppler. It was really cool. So that was all good. She gave me a couple of pictures and offered the rest room to me before I left. Just as I was about to pee I remembered that I have to give a urine sample at each OB visit so I zipped up and just headed for the lab for my blood draw. As soon as that was over, I went up to the Dr's office.

Here's the background that you need to have before the doctor's appointment: The Thursday prior to the appointment, I called for the 8w bloodwork results. The Dr. called me back with them later that afternoon. Mind you, I haven't met her yet but she was highly recommended by many people. She called and said that by and large the bloodwork was great. No STDs, thyroid is fine, blood sugar was great, etc. The only issue was my hemotcrit which was 29 (normal range for an adult female is 37-45). She advised that I begin taking iron. Now, without going into any sordid details, I have a blood disorder called Beta Thalassemia Minor that masks itself as anemia with the little exception that any extra iron in my blood causes overload, a very dangerous and often fatal condition. Since I was a kid, I've been told not to take any extra iron and if I am, NEVER more than 9mg a day. She was recommending 60mg of elemental iron daily. Several times during the phone conversation I expressed my concern about taking iron based on hematocrit levels alone. The truth is that hematocrit levels and iron levels aren't necessarily correlated. Most often in the general population they are, which is why it's done so often but for Thals, it's not a correlation at all necessarily. So when all was said and done, I bought the iron pills but decided not to take them until after I had a chance to talk to her at the appointment on Tuesday. I wanted to 1. get her to draw blood for a serum ferritin test that would tell the actual levels of iron in the blood and 2. get a referral to a hematologist that's familiar with Thal for additional analysis and recommendations.

The appointment was less exciting and more stressful than the ultrasound. I gave the urine sample, got weighed, had my blood pressure taken and waited for the doctor. The good news is that I didn't have to mention the Thal. or Iron at all. She'd quite obviously done a good deal of homework between the time we spoke on the phone and the appointment. She immediately offered to order the serum ferritin test and let me know that if it indicated an iron deficiency, she'd recommend the lowest dose of iron and would continue to check hematocrit, and ferritin levels at each visit. She also said that she'd be doing an ultrasound at every visit to monitor fetal growth as Thals have a slightly elevated risk for IUGR (inter uterine growth retardation) babies than the general population.

Here's the stressful/less exciting part: *sigh* naturally she brought up my weight. First she told me she didn't want me to gain any more than 15 pounds. Which is fine except she never told me how to actually do that. She told me to eat right and C. confirmed that I already am. She told me she wants me to walk at least 30 minutes every day. I asked her if that's in addition to the gym. She looked at me in a surprised way and asked "what do you do at the gym?" Fighting the urge to give her the answer she was looking for, I told her the truth -- that I take a circuit training class 3 days a week and the other days I usually jump on the elliptical trainer for 30 minutes of cardio. She said to keep doing that and she wants me to do that every day until at least 30 weeks. She never did answer my question.

So I never heard back about the iron levels and have spent every day worrying that I'm gaining weight even though I'm eating the exact same or less than I was eating before. Not to mention that fertility drugs really make you pack on the pounds and I've been on them for almost 4 years straight. I'm not sure what kind of miracle she's expecting. I'm trying hard to keep in mind that I don't have to love this woman -- just have to be confident that she's got my best interest at heart and is working toward a healthy baby for me. That's not an issue. The only issue I have is the way she handled it. How difficult would it have been for her to find out about my exercise, nutrition and lifestyle before she started pounding on the weight thing. Also, she clearly came into the conversation with some preconceived notions. I guess that's the crux. But I'm trying to let it go. It's pretty challenging though. The gym used to be fun. These days it's a huge chore. *sigh* Hopefully it'll start being fun again really soon.

I go back October 11. November 8 is the Level II fetal survey ultrasound. We should be able to find out the gender at that one.

* * * * *

Wednesday I'm starting an ASL (American Sign Language) class at a local community college. My major at college was Deaf Studies, but I've forgotten just about everything. Especially the grammar and syntax of the language. I do remember some of the signs, but couldn't use them in a sentence if you put a gun at my head. It's an 8 week class.

On the heals of that, C. and I are taking a "Sign with baby" class. That starts in early November. I love the idea that babies can sign long before their verbal skills catch up. Bonus points because the class uses ASL signs and not made-up baby signs.

How Can I be so Sure?

2006-09-02T14:52:00.000-07:00

If you don't want to hear whining from women who might or might not but are probably pregnant, stop reading. That's exactly what this post is about.

If it weren't for the fact that I have pictures taken just over a week ago, I'm not sure I'd know I'm pregnant. Well, and then I have to use the bathroom. That's the dead giveaway. Maybe it's the lack of "morning sickness", but I don't think so. I think that I'm just having a hard time accepting the reality that this might actually really be happening to me.

Having said all that, I have my NT ultrasound tuesday morning followed by an OB appointment. Maybe that'll help.

NO! MORE! SHOTS!

2006-08-26T18:45:00.000-07:00

OK, I can't help it. It's just so great to not have 1cc of sesame oil injected into my hip every morning anymore. Those effers weren't fun. At all. I got the "AOKAY" at the RE's office yesterday to discontinue the meds. I won't lie -- I'm more than a little nervous about it. I mean, hell, I'm technically not even 10 weeks yet (but don't tell the little overachiever that. It measured 10w2d yesterday). But I do trust Dr. H. and he said it'd be ok, so it must be true.

So yeah, I went for my final RE appointment yesterday. Got a CD with a boatload of pictures on it, including ones from the past 3 weeks. I've replaced the crap ones I put in the last entry with the good ones for those of you keeping score at home. Like I said earlier, fetus was still measuring ahead and the heartrate continues to rise. It was 176 BPM yesterday. I guess that's good, I'm not really sure. Either way, they gave me a copy of my records and kicked me to the curb. They did invite me back to visit sometime, and since my OB's office is on the floor below them in the same medical building, I think I can manage that.

Here are more boring pictures. If you click on one, it will render full-sized. Be sure to click the "back" button to return to read more blog! heh:

ARM!

FEET!

Face:

Fingers:

Legs:

So the bottom line is that I'm just an average pregnant lady now, I guess. It feels weird, reasurring and petrifying all at the same time. I'm quite used to be coddled and spoiled and hope that I don't get lost in that big practice. Dr. H. really loves the OB that I've chosen and told me that during her internship rotation with him, he tried to get her to become an RE -- no go! So there's a recommendation that makes me feel better.

On the non-fertility front, Stella (my Rottweiler) and I have started RALLY classes. She's a natural! We're training at the same farm where we herd sheep so we've got both activities on the same day. It's going to be fun. She really loves it. Now we actually have homework every night.

Whew! If you've read this far, thanks! You're a true friend. Now, it's pizza time. I'll post more when I can.

You're doomed -- the pictures have already started

2006-08-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

It won't end now. Seriously. You think pictures of vacation, trips to visit family and parties are boring, you ain't seen nothin' yet. I've already started with the pictures of the baby. AHAHAHAHAHA.

I finally got some ready but first the update: RE appointment Friday. Everything looks good. Fetus measured 6 days ahead (9w3d) and it's hand was wiggling. Heartrate was 170. The ultrasound tech told us that over the next few weeks we'll start to see the heartrate go down as the nervous system matures and starts to have more control. I've got one more visit next week -- I "graduate" to my OB next Friday. I'll hopefully be able to go off the PIO injections and the Estrogen patches soon after. I guess I'll find out then. And speaking of PIO, C. hit a blood vessel (or vein... whatever) for the first time ever yesterday. Man, that gets messy. I bled all over the place. It was uglier than it was uncomfortable.

OK, here are the pictures... First, here are the embryos that they transferred:

This one's from 6w3d. It's the first time we saw the heartbeat. You can see the yolk sac below and to the right of the embryo.

This one's from 7w3d -- The yolk sac is to the left of the embryo. No heartrate was measured but the Dr. pointed out to us that the limb buds are beginning to form. Notice that the embryo is about twice the size of the yolk sac in a week's time.

These last two are from Friday. I'm 8w4d but the embryo is measuring 9w3d. The form of the body is really starting to get visible and the hand was wiggling when the pictures were being taken.

Overachiever!

2006-08-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

Had 2 appointments yesterday -- one with the RE and then my first OB appointment.

The RE appointment went great. It's the first time I've seen him since the positive beta. I saw the nurse practitioner for the first ultrasound. He gave me a hug, congratulated me and we got down to business. He pointed out that the first thing they do is look for the heartbeat and he saw that right away. As usual, I just saw big blobs of gray. I did notice that the embryo is now about twice the size of the yolk sac now. The first ultrasound showed them both about the same size. He didn't measure the heartrate today but said that the embryo is measuring almost 8 weeks. I was 7w3d yesterday. He showed me the limb buds, where the arms and legs will form and the brain and the spine. He also told me that everything looked great and there was nothing that was a cause for any concern at this point. Asked me if I wanted to come back in a week. "YES YES YES!" I can't get enough of seeing this little half-cheerio grow. Heck, it'll probably be bigger than a half-cheerio next week.

You should know that I've grown accustomed to sneaking away after lunch and going down to the parking garage to the bus for a nap. I usually get 45 minutes in and it literally gets me through the rest of my day. Yesterday was no exception. I had 90 minutes between the end of the RE appointment and the OB appointment so I went down to my car. It's amazing where one can sleep when they're completely dead on their feet. We've lent our full mattresses/frame to a friend and had them loaded in the car for delivery yesterday so the usual stretch on the back seat was unavailable. I'm not lying when I said that I tilted the steering up, piled up blankets on the center console and slept for over an hour in the public parking garage. Did I mention that I'm really tired? Man, I love the bus.

The OB appointment was very LONG. We got a pile of books and information. They drew blood, collected urine and did a PAP smear. Interestingly, she didn't mention "advanced maternal age" which made me feel better, and I got the impression that we're just average patients. That makes me feel good but yet kinda sad, too.

So next up is another RE appointment in a week, then the Full Integrated Prenatal Risk Profile in 4 weeks and another OB appointment the same day.

One isn't such a lonely number after all

2006-08-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

Well, no, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth but yes, we did have a not-so-natural disaster this week. Our house was flooded by a malfunctioning clothes washer. I came home to find that 7 1/2 hours of water ran all over the bottom floor of my house. It has not been a fun few days. The good news is that we got a really spiffy new washer and dryer set from the local Sears smash & dent store.

The even better news is that the ultrasound Thursday was just AWESOME. There's a little itty bitty singleton in there, measuring right on target (6w3d on Thursday) and has a heartrate of 120bpm. I get another peek Thursday in addition to my first OB appointment.

OK, gotta go get some laundry done!

OK final beta and "The paper" (TM)

2006-07-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

So I went into the clinic this morning for the final beta and while I was there, the DE Coordinator gave me "the paper"!

It looks like this:

ART PREGNANCY MANAGEMENT

Patient: (me)

Calculated last period: June 19, 2006

Ultrasound Due: August 3, 2006

Stop Support Medications: August 29, 2006

EDC (due date): March 26, 2007

Patient should remain on 2 Vivelle patches, changed every other day, and 1cc progesterone daily until above noted date. For any questions or concerns please call (xxx) xxx-xxxx. If ultrasound is performed outside (clinic), please FAX copy of OB ultrasound report to (xxx) xxx-xxxx.

So, I made the ultrasound appointment and also arranged to get my shots while C is out of town the weekend of August 4th. They called at lunchtime with the final number: 1875. YIKES!! I'm still soaking it all in. It's all so very overwhelming.

To tell or not to tell -- That is the question

2006-07-21T16:56:00.000-07:00

So let's just say this ends up working. The next big question is whether to tell about the whole donor thing or not. I say no. At least not tell anyone beyond family and very close friends. I'll let my child tell outside the family as they see fit. Really, I don't think it's any more complicated than that.

I'm stunned

2006-07-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

Do I actually have an honest-to-goodness real doubling beta?

Today's magic number is:

812

Did I mention that I'm stunned?

Last beta is Friday and I've been told that there are "dates and such" printed for me already and I'll get them Friday morning.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou to all of you guys that left comments and sent me private email. I enabled anonymous comments the other day and today I linked my email address for those that want to send mail without public comments. (Thanks for the suggestion, Julie!)

The numbers don't lie

2006-07-17T15:11:00.000-07:00

Today's beta is 348. Unfortunately my favorite beta website is down right now so I can't link to the chart, but I will as soon as the server's back up and running. In the meantime, here's a link to another beta site with some pretty good information. Keep in mind that today's number is:

17 days post hCG

15 days post ovulation (15dpo)

12 days post 3 day transfer (12dp3dt)

10 days post 5 day transfer (10dp5dt)

well, you get the drift.

blog comments

2006-07-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

OK by popular demand, I've enabled the anonymous comment configuration of this blog. You guys without a blogspot account... GO NUTS!

Wowsa

2006-07-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

Date: today
Time: 2:34 AM (why do i always HAFTA HAFTA pee in the middle of the night for crissakes?)
Test: Walgreens +/- (sensitive to >25 mIU/mL*)
Elapsed time: 30 seconds
Result: BFP!**

Date: today
Time: 4:39 AM (is there anyone else on the planet that gets up at this ungodly hour every day?)
Test: EPT digital (sensitive to >50 mIU/mL)
Elapsed time: 1 min
Result: BFP!

I'm freakin' stunned. Beta changed to Monday 'cause I can't count. It'll be 10dp5dt***

* sensitivity to the hCG (pregnancy hormone) in urine
** BIG EFFING POSITIVE
*** 10 days post 5 day transfer (it's been 10 days since they transferred a 5 day embryo)

it's all over but the cryin'

2006-07-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

Well, it went really well.

I stayed home from work yesterday. It didn't make sense to go in because I knew I wouldn't be able to focus anyway. C. and I left the house at noon and went to lunch. We got to the clinic at about 1:30 and saw the finance woman to give her some money. After that, it was just waiting until my bladder filled up and time to go for the transfer.

By 2:00 my bladder was comfortably full and they brought me back to the transfer room. The setup is actually kind of cool. There are doors from the transfer room directly to the lab so the embroys have very little distance to travel. By the time things started happening my bladder was getting uncomfortably full. It was 2:20 before we saw the embryologist. She turned on a monitor in the transfer room and told us that she'd show us the petri dish with our embryos in it and would show us that my name and birth date is on the dish. Then she'd turn off the light until the Dr. was ready. Once he was ready, she'd show us (on the monitor) the embryos being loaded into the catheter and then she'd be in for the transfer. She also gave us pictures of the embryos and the embryology report:

16 eggs retrieved
14 mature and ICSI'd
12 fertilized
4 arrested (RIP embryos :-p)
2 transferred (5AA (beginning to hatch) and 4AA (fully expanded)
6 pending day 6 evaluation for cryopreservation

Shortly after she left to prepare the embryos, the Dr. came in. He asked if we had any questions, took a look at the pictures of the embryos and told us they're "as good as they get" Wheeeeeee! He said my lining looks great and there's no reason this shouldn't work. Of course, the success rate is ~80% so there's no guarantees but he is very optimistic. We chatted for a few minutes while we waited for the IVF nurse coordinator and finally got started at about 2:30. Tanya came in and did the transabdominal ultrasound to visualize the uterus while the Dr. placed the catheter. If I remember, he said that he tries to get the embryos about 12 mm from the top of the uterus. The embryologist showed me the petri dish with my name and birth date and then we saw them being drawn up into the catheter. A few seconds later, she showed up in the doorway and they did the transfer. She went back to check the catheter under the microscope to verify that the embryos didn't stick to it and called the "all clear!"

They had me stay laying down for 20 minutes and by then I felt like my bladder was going to explode. Naturally (and just my luck), the rest room was occupied. While I waited, the Donor Coordinator came out to talk to us and give us the aftercare instructions:

Meds: Continue 1cc PIO (Progesterone in Oil) daily and 2 Estrogen patches, changing them every other day until directed otherwise. If test is positive, continue these meds for several more weeks.
Activity: Bedrest day of transfer and the following day. May resume normal, no strenuous activity after that. This means no vigorous exercise (walking is fine) or heavy lifting. May return to work.
Pregnancy Test: Quantitative pregnancy blood test on Sunday, July 16. Clinic will call later that day with results.

I came home and hung out on the couch for the rest of the day. I'm back on the couch today and will do my usual Saturday chores tomorrow.

The clinic called a few minutes ago -- they were able to freeze 5. WE'VE GOT 5 TOTSICLES!!! This is getting really surreal.

Here's a blurb about blastocyst quality grading:

The number refers to the degree of expansion of the blastocyst (1 is the least expanded, 6 is the most expanded). The first letter (A,B, or C) refers to the quality of the inner cell mass (the part of the blastocyst that is going to be the baby) and the second letter (A, B, or C) refers to the quality of the trophectoderm (the part of the blastocyst that is going to be the placenta).

It's finally Friday

2006-07-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well, the clinic didn't call me this morning to tell me not to bother coming in so there must be at least one surviving embryo. C. and I are leaving shortly for lunch and then we'll head to the clinic from there.

On another note, my mom called me yesterday morning to tell me that my Nana died Wednesday morning. It was pretty sudden. Well as sudden as death happens for someone who's in their nineties. Mom says that there's no service or visiting hours -- just a mass and cremation. Who knew that catholics don't go to hell anymore for being cremated? I sure didn't.

Well either way, RIP Nana. I'll never forget standing on the stool at the counter making Jell-O and getting "Hoodsies" for special treats only at your house. You were a hard-working special lady. I know you didn't like my hair this long and for that, I'm sorry. Unfortunately, my husband does like this long and I'm married to him and not you.

More later today or tomorrow.

The more things change...

2006-07-05T18:25:00.000-07:00

The more they stay the same. And today, that's a good thing!

Latest update: 12 embryos still growing! I'm to show up Friday at 2:00 full of water in my bladder and valium in my brain. The full bladder is supposed to push my uterus forward so they can do a transabdominal ultrasound to guide the embryos when they transfer. The valium is to minimize uterine cramping. And to make me feel better :-)

Weeeeeeeee!!

We've got a dozen!

2006-07-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

Fertilization report is in: 15 eggs were mature enough to ICSI and 12 fertilized. They'll call me Wednesday with a time on Friday for ET and the number of embryos surviving to day 3.

It's getting closer and I'm getting more and more nervous. I'm hoping it goes away by Friday.

Sweet 16

2006-07-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

Well, that's the magic number. The clinic called today to tell me that they retrieved 16 mature eggs from my donor. They'll call with the fertilization report tomorrow sometime. If we use the 80% rule that means that... 13 will fertilize... 8 will make it to day 3 ... and 4 will make it to blast. Not horrible. She had 6 make it to blast her first cycle. Either way, it's out of my hands. One day at a time, as they say!

I'm off to render first aid to Jack. He's our German Shepherd Dog, for you uninitiated ones out there. We took him, Stella (our Rottweiler) and the neighbor's Lab out for a walk today and he put a pretty nasty cut in one of his pads. Fortunately it happened toward the end of the walk. He's pushing 100 pounds. I wasn't about to carry him... although it crossed my mind to walk him like a wheelbarrow.

Drown a cold

2006-07-01T07:20:00.000-07:00

I picked up a nasty bug somewhere. I can't be certain where and it really doesn't matter but about 8 people are taking responsibiliy for it. Everyone from K's kids to people at work and the DE coordinator at my RE's office. It's mostly cold with a tractor-trailer full of congestion in my sinuses. This, of course, means a horrible hacking phlemy cough. That's the worst part.

I started feeling bad last Sunday night and was feeling better by Tuesday. I really thought I was out of the woods and was on the downhill side. HA. Not so much. By yesterday morning, I couldn't talk because my throat was so shredded. It was so bad that I got kicked out of my office by my cow-orkers. At my company..that's BAD. The good news is that I'm feeling OK -- it's just the cough and congestion that's making me miserable. Oh yeah, and the raging headache that goes with it. By and large, Tylenol and Sudafed are taking care of it during the day and TylenolPM is taking care of it at night. At least I'm getting some sleep.

In the meantime, I've been drinking water and juice like it's going out of style. I never remember if you're supposed to "starve a cold and feed a fever" or "feed a cold and starve a fever" because I've never subscribed to either one. I've always drowned everything. It's something I picked up from my mom. And she should know -- she's a trained nurse. It always seemed that her answer to every ailment is "are you drinking plenty of fluids?"

On the cycling front... tomorrow is my donor's retrieval. C. has to be there at 7:45 am. I guess there's no rest for the wicked. Since I'm so sick, he's willing to "take matters into his own hands" so I don't have to go. He's such a wanker. Get it? AHAHAHAHAHAHA

So the ongoing schedule looks something like this:

Donor triggered last night for Sunday morning retrieval -- >15 follicles -- PERFECT :-)
I'll get the egg count tomorrow sometime
Last Lupron tonight
Continue 4 Vivelle patches for tonight's change and then Monday change to 2 new ones -- continue on 2 patches every other day until directed otherwise
PIO begins Sunday MORNING: 1/2 cc - Increase to 1 cc Tuesday and continue 1cc daily until directed otherwise
C. has to be at the clinic at 7:45 tomorrow morning
Monday we'll get a fertilization report and we'll know then if we're going to try to go to blast for Friday transfer. If not, we'll have a Wednesday (day 3) transfer

Wish us luck.

T minus 4 and counting

2006-06-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

The donor coordinator called this afternoon. She's confident that the donor will trigger Friday night and ER is likely going to be Sunday. If there are more than 8 embryos, they'll try to take them to blast which means that ET will be Friday if things go well.

My e2 from Monday was 333 which is great.

That's all I know.

Lining check

2006-06-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

Donor's doing great. I don't have details, but she's got "lots of follicles", some at 10mm -- her next check is wednesday and I'll know more then. I have a stunningly beautiful triple striped 9mm lining. No worries there!

One of the women at the office said "that's the best donor gift I've seen. It's perfect!" I feel better.

So donor has another check wednesday and they'll call me afterward. I don't go in again until transfer. I guess they've seen enough of my hooha for now.

There's no way a picture can say a single word

2006-06-25T15:04:00.000-07:00

I mean, how do you thank someone for helping you have the family that you desire sooooo much?

Well, either way, here's the basket I put together for my donor. I haven't put it in shrink wrap yet. I'll do that at the last minute.

Enjoy!

Have another one, buddy!

2006-06-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, a friend and I went to visiting hours at an inpatient addiction treatment center. We met there so I could drop off her daughter to her there. She and I went to the party store to buy some supplies for a birthday party later in the day. After I dropped off her daughter and left, I realized about 2 miles away that I had the kid's booster seat with me. So I called her to tell her that I had it and I was on my way back with it. Imagine my surprise when I heard her phone ringing in my car. (in addition to leaving her cell phone in my car, she also left her wallet. Nice!) Then my phone rang. Caller ID showed a number I didn't recognize. I answered. It was her telling me that I had her phone and car seat. So I get her stuff back to her and go about my day. Flash forward to about 8:00 last night.

My phone rings again with the same strange number. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Hello?
Strange Sounding Guy: uh, Hello?
Me: Helllloo?
SSG: uh, Hello?
Me: Hello?
SSG: Who's this?
Me: This is Debbi.
SSG: Hello?
Me: Helllloooo?
SSG: Who's this?
Me: This is Debbi. Who's this?
SSG: uh, your number's on my phone
Me: That's because you lent your phone to someone earlier today so she could call me.
SSG: OH! I was at (treatment center) today.
Me: Riiiiiiight
SSG: Hello?
Me: Hellllloo?
(line gets quiet at this point)
Me: Who belongs at rehab, anyway?

I hung up and thought... Yeah, have another one, Pal. You should have just stayed there.

WTF?

Appreciation abounds

2006-06-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

It's supposed to be 90 degrees here today. I suppose I'll finish all my computer stuff this morning so that I can put the laptop down for the day. It gets so hot -- I don't think that's normal. Anyway...

I've been putting together a basket for my donor. When it's finished (later today, I hope) I'll try to post a picture. This whole picture posting thing is new to me, but if K. can do it, certainly I can! Here are the contents so far:

Fluffy socks for egg retrieval
Comfy PJs
Comfy slippers
4 bottles of Evian water
Electrolyte replacement powder for the water
Assorted snacks (animal crackers, trail mix, dried fruit mix, cheese-its, etc)
Spa gift certificate
DVD of School of Rock
Thermacare heat pads
Handwritten thank-you card

There might be more, but since I haven't put it together yet, I don't know what I missed. What do you all think? I tried to stay away from personal gifts as I really don't know her and while I'm sure she'd appreciate the gesture of something personal, that doesn't mean that she'll use whatever I buy.

The ABC of me

2006-06-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

Ok here's the game I stole from Katty. Let me know if you decide to post this. I'd love to see your answers. Have fun!

The ABC of Me

accent: I don't think so, but I suppose I sound at home anywhere in northern New England.
booze: Not lately! Well, when I indulge, I like Mumm Napa's Blanc De Noirs
chore I hate: Yes, I hate chores. Especially putting away laundry. It seems so silly. I'm only going to get it out again and wear it.
dogs/cats: I love dogs. At the moment we've got a German Shepherd Dog and a Rottweiler. They're both awesome except the Rott's kinda spazzy.
essential electronics: My satellite radio in my car, my TV DVR and my tablet PC. I couldn't live without any one of them.
favorite perfume/cologne: Calvin Klein's Eternity
gold/silver: I split the difference -- white gold
hometown: Small-town Vermont
insomnia: Never unless I'm mentally ill (and that's been known to happen on occasion but even then, never more than one night in a row)
job title: Support Analyst -- fancypants, doncha think?
kids: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
living arrangements: In a house that I hate, in a city that I hate, with a husband I adore.
most admired trait: I'm a great friend.
number of sexual partners: Now? or ever?
overnight hospital stays: Too many to count -- probably 5 or 6
phobia: I'm not a big fan of raised decks. I always feel like the railing will give way or the deck will fall.
quotes: none that come to mind at the moment. I like song lyrics, though.
religion: cafeteria catholic
siblings: 2 brothers, 5 step-brothers
time I usually wake up: 4:45
unusual talent: I can solve the rubik's cube. Does that count?
vegetables I refuse to eat: most of them
worst habit: I interrupt people during conversations. I'm horrible, I know.
x-rays: yes
yummy foods I make: HA! I'm married to a cook. 'nuff said.
zodiac sign: Scorpio

Aaaand they're off!

2006-06-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

My donor starts stims today. I thought it would NEVER happen! Her first ultrasound is Monday and coincidentally that's my first lining check. I increase to 3 estrogen patches tonight and increase to 4 on Sunday. It's such a waiting game. Any time-killing suggestions? I actually found a game on Katty's blog that I'm going to complete. I'll post it when I'm finished. If I'm feeling particularly frisky, I'll tag someone with it. Wish me luck.

CycleSISTA

2006-06-17T21:53:00.000-07:00

I added my cycle to Cyclesista today.

GO! Give your support! It won't hurt a bit. I promise.
As a show of support, I've added the June/July cyclers' blogs to my links list over here --------->>

Good luck ladies!

KETCHUP!

2006-06-17T14:53:00.000-07:00

So the donor cycle is going well. I have some catching up to do with it:

I had the sonohystogram on June 1 and it went very well. Uterus is normal and I had a couple of corpus luteal cysts on my ovaries. *sigh* What else is new? In hindsight, I should have raised a red flag, but we live and learn. I stayed on Lupron (.1cc daily) and stopped birth control on Sunday, June 4.

Last Friday, June 9, I went back for a supression check. BIG FAT NEGATIVE. One of the cysts was 45mm. Soooo. I doubled up on the lupron and started .2cc daily with instructions to return yesterday. By Monday I was freaking out. My coordinator, M. was OOF so I had an email thread with the other coordinator, F. She didn't give me a whole lot of confidence and I really freaked out. Specifically, she told me that if I wasn't supressed Thursday, there were 2 options: either complete the cycle and freeze the embryos for transfer when I'm ready or delay the cycle until next month. Neither of these options sounded very good to me. Waiting another cycle is bad for a couple of reasons: 1. My donor wants to do this cycle early and 2. that really just gives me time to grow more cysts. I mean, time is not on my side in this situation. Freezing for this cycle doesn't appeal to me either because success rates are better with fresh cycles. I was wondering why we couldn't just keep the donor on birth control pills for a few more days until I was ready to start. She wrote back that they did ask the donor to stay on the pills for 5 more days and then said "We can’t make any promises as to her availability." OK I don't know what that means, but it's not good and I don't need to hear something like that.

Tuesday, C. had to go into the office to learn how to give my PIO shots (they're IM shots given beginning 3 days prior to transfer and continue thru 1st trimester) and while he was there, talked to M. about my concerns, mostly related to the cysts and what will happen if I'm not supressed when I return. She made C. feel much better and when he came to the office for lunch, we called her together and I felt SO much better after I talked to her. She assured me that things would work out just FINE. She told me that she's been in contact with my donor and she's still 100% committed to my cycle and would wait for me until I'm ready. She also told me that she's confident that I'd be supressed for my next appointment.

Yesterday, I went for another supression check and the cysts were still there, of course. They were about half the size, which still makes them pretty big. Fortunately though, the e2 was under 50 so I started estrogen patches last night -- 2 patches every other day until Monday then increase to 3 patches every other day. At some point I'll move to 4 patches but that's at least a week away. While I was at the REs yesterday, I had a lovely meltdown beginning with the fact that I sat in the waiting room for over 30 minutes for my appointment. Pretty much an overall bad day but here's a safety tip if you're interested: if you have a meltdown at the office, you get to see the donor coordinator, the PA and the RE all at the same time, while the phlebotomist is drawing your blood! I guess someone must have said "uh, you better go talk that Debbi off the ledge -- she's about ready to blow a gasket." Which is fine with me.

Today, I noticed after my workout that I was bleeding. Hey, I guess I'm really supressed! it's extremely light now and M. tells me that when the e2 level starts to rise, the bleeding will stop and I'll start to build my nice, fluffy lining. *WHEW*

Next up: Donor starts stims early next week and I go for lining check next Monday the 26th.

Hi Blogland!

2006-06-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

Just checking in...

I'm still alive but it's so crazy busy! I've been helping K. with the kids and we've actually done some really fun things :-)

I'll tell you all about them when I can.

Blog Vacation

2006-06-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

Well, it wasn't a vacation but it explains why I haven't been blogging.

My mom called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that my dad was in the hospital. I spent a week there with them as he was very touch & go.

Additionally, I've been focusing much of my energy on my dearest friend who's in a life-crisis.

I'll admit: It's a good thing that I'm distracted from this cycle. I also like the feeling of being able to help.

I'll further admit: It's a fine line between helping and not letting go over what little control I fantasize that I have. I'm working on it.

More when I have the time.

Upcoming events

2006-05-13T07:10:00.000-07:00

Well, when it rains it pours, I guess. I've been in limbo waiting for my next cycle to start and was told to call the coodinator with the start of my May period. This is to schedule bloodwork for me and C., and also schedule a sonohystogram ultrasound to verify that my uterus is healthy enough to accept a transfer. It's been several years since the RE has had a look. It sounds worse than it is.. it's just an ultrasound done after the uterus is filled with saline. It will help the RE visualize any polyps, septums, etc. better.

Wednesday I called with the start of my period and the coordinator told me that my donor called and her summer plans have changed. Wants to know if we can do this cycle NOW. WOOHOO! I love not having to agonize an extra month! So I started birth control pills Wednesday and will go in for the bloodwork/ultrasound on the 25th. I'll get the calendar/schedule then, but I do know that lupron starts 29th. I'm so ready.

It makes me realize that I still have so much to do. I wish I could get out of the denial and get started. It's going to suck this fall and winter when I'm scrambling around trying to get stuff done and I realize that I could have had 3 more months and blew it off. I'll probably start painting the "nursery" room this weekend or maybe next. I've already purged everything from it that could be evacuated. I reorged the rest. What do you think of whispy green?

Did you know rabbits can make you homesick?

2006-05-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

Stella, our 4 year old Rottweiler has taken to spending all of her waking time (when she's not eating) sitting at the living room window staring out onto the lawn and garden. Last week, she saw a rabbit out there 2 days in a row and she's been back every day in case it shows up again. We suspect it's a mating pair because there's a little baby one that's usually under some bushes or ground cover in the garden. Of course, stella's too much of a spaz to look under the bushes for something so she continues to stare at the lawn waiting for something to hop by.

As I watched this on Friday, I realized how much I miss being home. I guess I just feel like when I moved into such a suburban neighborhood, I didn't understand how far from nature I really was. In case you don't know yet, let me be the first one to tell you that having grass and trees doesn't mean you're in nature. At all.

I miss watching foxes or deer out the kitchen window while I'm doing dishes. I miss having to pay close attention when I'm driving because I never know what size the animal's going to be that jumps out in front of my car on the mountain road between home and work. I mostly miss quietness. Literally and figuratively. I'm sick of hearing traffic 100% of the time. If I want to spend some time without hearing traffic here, I have to go herding with my dogs. The down side to herding is that the farm is right next to Fort Lewis. So while there's no traffic noise, we get to listen to the small arms fire training. Niiiiiice.

I guess what I'm saying is that I want to go home.

So on the fertility front... not much is happening

2006-04-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

It's really a huge boring waiting game at this point. I'm trying to put as much effort in at the gym as I can muster. Also hitting work hard while I can. Cycling is really tough at work 'cause I can't keep 100% on task for as long.

I emailed the DE coordinator this week to find out if there was a physical or bloodwork or anything that I might need prior to the cycle. The ASRM and FDA/CDC guidelines always seem to be changing and I'd rather do everything that I can now so we're not waiting for the last minute. Besides, my GP's office books routine visits waaaaay out so I'd have to schedule now to be sure I'd be finished by this summer. She let me know that I was up to date for the most part, but C needs a bunch of tests and Dr. H. wants to do a sonohystogram (saline ultrasound) as well. I'll schedule everything the same day and we can get it over with.

So I'm waiting for the final testing then waiting even more. It's always about the waiting, it seems. In the meantime, I'll keep plugging away at the house.

Another year, another tax fiasco

2006-04-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

So for the first time in 13 years of marriage, we had to write a check to the federal Government this year. How utterly depressing. Admittedly, it was less than $1000 dollars and we're blessed with the money that we have but still. I'm pissed.

You wouldn't mind so much but we've been paying out the whooha for a year for our IVF expenses. Not anywhere near enough, evidently! There's a minimum amount of expenses required for deduction eligibility. I doubt we came close but the truth is, we're not organized enough to know for sure anyway.

So now we're going to take our stuff to a tax accountant and see 1. if we fucked up and 2. if yes, how did we fuck up. Maybe we'll get some good tips for next year.

While I was out..not much happened

2006-04-07T18:55:00.000-07:00

Monday morning the phone rang as I was getting ready to go to the gym. It was 5:30. My friend D. was calling to tell me that her water broke and she was getting ready to head for the hospital. I spent 10 hours that day trying to make a really special place for her and her new daughter to come home to. She lives in our neighborhood and she lives alone. Actually, not anymore.

I know that she's going to be so out of energy and time. I cleaned her upstairs master bath and bedroom and made it neat and spiffy so (hopefully) she won't have to worry about a thing for a while. A friend of hers was at her house watching Ginger (beautiful lab!) and cleaned up the downstairs. Between the 2 of us, we finished the rest of the laundry.

Tuesday I went to meet her baby and brought a gift for the deliriously happy mama. Stayed with her a long while (don't worry, it was by invitation. Nobody likes anyone overstaying their welcome more than I) and headed back to finish. I rounded out the day by putting her co-sleeper next to the bed and making it snug. I placed the gift (a pendent necklace with the baby's birthstone) on the pillow and made sure everything was in it's place.

I know that even if she doesn't really know it, she'll appreciate it because she needs it. But that's not why I did it. Actually, I'm not too sure why I did it. K. says that there's a thing in 12-step programs that's basically like by giving back and helping other people it helps the addict to avoid becoming bitter about life. Maybe I'm giving back so I won't become bitter about infertility. It's also the season of lent for us RCs. A time of atonement and reflection. Maybe that's why. It's possible that I'm doing it to help fill time while I wait for my next cycle. I sure need to be busy. Who knows? In the end it probably doesn't matter much. I just feel better for doing it for whatever reason and it was important to me to do it. 'nuff said.

Oh by the way, baby G. is stunning. I'm in love.

Another party's over

2006-03-31T15:53:00.000-08:00

Finally. And this time, it's a good thing because the last 2 weeks really sucked.

By the time you read this, I will have release the old entries and you'll know I was pregnant. A little bit, as it turnes out. I went for my first and final ultrasound today. Results: no evidence of pregnancy...anywhere. Believe it or not, this is a good thing because it means that that tricky little embryo didn't decide to cop a squat somewhere outside my uterus. That would be very bad and would mean taking methotrexate. For you unitiated ones, methotrexate is a chemotherapy drug used to kill fast-growing cells. As it happens, an embro falls into this category. I'm not big into cancer drugs and I'd rather avoid taking them thankyewverymuch. So they wanted to wait for bloodwork and scheduled another blood draw & ultrasound for Monday.

Turns out... not necessary. Beta fell to 353 today. Chemical for sure. They want me back for weekly betas until it's 0 but I suspect that means one or 2 more blood draws. Fortunately, I really love my clinic and adore pretty much everyone that works there. There are a couple of exceptions but after some of the horror stories I've heard, I've got ZIP to complain about.

Well, I'm off to social hour. Let me say that managers at work don't often invite the team out for drinks. I'm not one to turn that down.

Another party's begun.

Wanted: Realism

2006-03-29T18:41:00.000-08:00

I've been the route of holding out all hope until there's none left. It hasn't worked yet. I've also been the route of not seeing the problem coming and being blindsided. That's hasn't worked out very well either.

For once, I'd just like to know the realistic picture. It's the most I can ask for right now. If I had my way, I'd get the truth. See? There's where I'm wrong. I already know the truth. The truth is that there's absolutely no way to know right now what's going to happen. I know what the odds are, but I also know that I've lived long enough to know that the odds are out the door when it comes to reality. Unfortunately, for the moment I live in reality. So I'm really still playing the waiting game. And I really made an appointment for this friday for an ultrasound.

As soon as it stops spinning, I'l be happy to get off this ride. In the meantime, you're waiting, too.

Final Beta's in: 418

2006-03-28T18:49:00.000-08:00

That's after finally doubling on sunday to 338. For those of you not keeping score at home, that's bad. Very bad. Obligatory details follow:

Ultrasound scheduled for Monday to rule out ectopic. Was given ectopic warning signs and instructions.

Basically, it's just suckful. Well, and a certain amount of relieving. The truth is that if i'm certain about nothing, I know for sure that trying to actually deliver a child with my FSH level and age is close to impossible. Certainly doing it anytime soon. If I want to keep trying, I'm sure it could happen eventuallly (i'm not that dramatic) but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about having a life with my family, including kids, while I still have a memory.

Having said that, I'm here to testify that this just plain sucks. Nobody can really understand it and the truth is that when you are going through an experience like this, you know in your soul that it's 100% unique. Just as you'll never know anyone's experience, no matter how similar the facts to your own, nobody could ever know mine. Most couldn't begin to know. Only those aforementioned (with similar facts) and those especially astoot and soul-sharing (hi K!) can even begin. But I digress..

Ok i just lost my train of thought because I saw CRACK on the kitchen counter -- C. just got home.

uh...well...I'm pregnant today, doncha know. gotta go!!

It's a good thing I have a plan

2006-03-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

Because I'm really close to losing it.

Wait... first I should apologize. I've been holding out on you guys. Yeah, I'm a cheater. Before you click away, allow me to explain:

I've been holding posts because there's stuff I wanted to blog about but didn't want some people to know yet.

I'll be releasing my old posts that I've been keeping in DRAFTS status soon so when they pop up as old entries, you'll understand why. OK? ok. Don't ask any questions until you see them. Then feel free to blast away.

I appreciate your patience. Oh and in case you're curious, you'll probably see them early next week.

WHEW -- OK, about losing it. You'll figure it out soon enough!

man, i need a drink.

HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!

2006-03-25T17:15:00.000-08:00

OK, it's actually called The Original Pancake House, but it'll always be HUT! in my syrup-pumping heart and dutch baby-filled soul.

I called K. to see if they wanted to go tomorrow but it looks like it might be scrapped for something equally as yummy. I might propose breakfast at the house (ours or theirs -- they're only 20 minutes away) Hey, as long as there's good company and comfort food, I'm in.

The yarn store is also on the agenda. If I don't start a blanket soon for my neice that's due in June, it'll be a birthday gift for a toddler. I'm thinking.... pink. But the plan always changes when I get into the store, unfortunately.

Research is my middle name

2006-03-25T17:10:00.000-08:00

So I spent the entire day on google looking trying to calculate the chances of a viable pregnancy. It seems to be a complete toss-up. Not to mention that there's ZIPOLA I can do about it now. This is either going to happen, or it's not and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, except agonize. Believe me, I've got that one covered. I've made plans to do 3948 things tomorrow so I can try to pretend to be distracted while I wait for lab results.

Sonofabitch, it's been a long day and I've managed to waste the entire thing. I'm nothing if not thorough.

There's a reason they call it beta hell

2006-03-24T22:13:00.000-08:00

It is so not a nice place to be.

Monday (12dpo) 53
Wednesday (14dpo) 97
Friday (16dpo) 167

This is true limbo for sure. I've scheduled another beta Sunday and Tuesday. At this point, I'd rather just know. For some reason though, infertility and infertility treatment doesn't work that way. it's all a big, huge, mutherfucking waiting game. Just once I'd like to be in the middle of the bell curve. Just once, I'd like to have the "worry-free" results. Just once, I'd like to get a phone call from the RE and not be compelled to do 6 hours worth of googling. It's just such bullshit.

I'll know more Sunday, it's true. I guess I'm pretending until then. Which isn't difficult really, considering I'm tired as hell, constantly starving, and get sick if I try to combine fatigue and hunger. Cruel joke. Even for me.

So Tired

2006-03-23T20:36:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how tired I am. I think that if spring would ever find us here in Seattle, I'd feel much better. Unfortunately, that's going to remain one of those rhetorical questions for the near future. The forcast is pretty much "RAIN" for... oh I guess it's FOREVER. *sigh*

We've been watching the new HBO show Big Family. God love HBO. They do such a fabulous job. I was a fan of Six Feet Under and Carnivale as well. I never watched Sex in the City or The Sopranos though, but not because they aren't good shows. We simply have only so much time to watch television these days. Besides, there's a new season of DOG! The Bounty Hunter on. Who wouldn't drop what they're doing for that show?

Going to bed before my head drops onto my keyboard.

Holy Crap -- I'm pregnant

2006-03-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

Why is it that just when you think you have a great plan, something comes along to wreck it? It seems that's exactly what happened to me this weekend.

Saturday, K. convinced me to do a pregnancy test. I dug under the counter in the bathroom and grabbed one, knowing it was way too early and besides, an IUI would never work for me anyway. That's why we're doing IVF, right? So imagine my surprise when I found out that I wasn't ovulating! You read that right..I peed on the wrong stick.

Flash foward to Sunday. I did another HPT but this time it was in the middle of the day and I could only wait 2 hours before I had to go. BFN of course. I mean, again with the IUIs and not working for me. Monday, I got up to get ready to go to the gym and did another HPT just for fun (hey they come in packs of 3 for a reason, right?) and when I glanced at it a few moments later, i saw it clearly "PREGNANT" w0w!

On Monday (12 dpo-days post ovulation) beta was 53. I went back for beta #2 today. It's 97.3. didn't quite double. I did some quick calculations and discovered that the doubling time is 51.61 hours. The consensus is that it should be 48-72 hours. The increase from Monday was 81.1% and it should be over 66%. So far so good.

So why am I not happy? I guess I've been stung with the btdt bug. You know.. been there done that. I'll be happy when I'm holding my new baby. I'm not sure there's anything in between right now.

Stay tuned -- next beta is Friday.

Saturday ramblings

2006-03-18T08:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just can't bring myself to get up. For example, almost every Saturday. Like today. I generally get up with C., or shortly thereafter and go downstairs get my computer and go back to bed. Our bed is so cozy with the window opened just a tiny bit and our heavy down comforter over me. I sit here in bed sometimes for an hour and can still be up and moving by 8 or 9. It's one of my favorite times. I catch up on my email and whatever else I've been neglecting because truthfully, I'm generally allergic to my computer on weeknights.

My brother T. and his wife are finally expecting their first child after many years of infertility. It's so exciting. I'm sure it's too early to ask but I'm wondering if they've talked about siblings. C. and I were talking last night about it and I said that it would be especially great to get pregnant this year because then they won't be the only ones in the family that have little ones. And neither will we!

Tonight's GAME NIGHT at friends' house. They've got a pre-schooler who's just starting to be able to play big girl games and we try to get together about once a month to have dinner and some evening family fun. It's really a great way to slow life down and live in the moment. Tonight's dinner is (of course) Irish-themed but I think we'll skip the after-dinner jig in favor of Candyland or something.

I found the mop, and I plan to use it

2006-03-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

I have almost 12 weeks until we get back on the IVF horse. Yesterday was spent catching up on laundry and clothes organizing. I got my bureau and closet cleaned out, started getting winter clothes put away and managed to get a pile of stuff for charity. Today's mission: cleaning the spare room that I purged last weekend and getting the holiday stuff organized and put away. Yeah, I know it's March, but:

My dishes have more of a "winter" theme than a "Christmas" one. At least in my mind because usually I get them out at Thanksgiving and put them away in February.
This year was uber stressful as it was the first holiday after my miscarriage, my due date was supposed to be early January, and I was a complete wreck.
Time tends to really cruise by these days

If I get on enough of a roll, I'll make C. stop by the plant pots store (yes, they really have a store dedicated to pots for plants) on his way to walking the dogs and buy some pots for the poor rootbound spiders in the garden window. If I'm still motivated, I think I'll make a trip to one of those organization stores and buy some cool stuff today after I'm finished.

How exciting am I?

Spring has sprung!

2006-03-08T12:38:00.000-08:00

Spring has sprung! Well, not quite. The meteorologists are calling for snow this week. Will this winter ever end?

I'm feeling a bit melancholy today. I went into the Dr's office for the last IUI. As always, I'm cautiously optimistic about the chances, but at the same time quite realistic. The most difficult part was looking at all the leftover stim meds and realizing that for the first time in almost 4 years, I didn't need to "save them for the next cycle". It was far more difficult that the decision to stop...although maybe that's because I hadn't really finalized the decison after all. Now that I've done it, though, I do feel much better. Interestingly enough, they didn't give me the "you're at high risk for multiples" speech this time. At first it was funny, but as time goes by, it gets just plain irritating. It's been over a year since I've heard it. I guess they've figured out that I'm just not in a high risk group for pregnancy, let alone any kind of multiple.

C. and I have already made a few plans for our time off this spring but as usual he's holding out hope that this IUI cycle will work and we'll have to modify the plans anyway. God love him -- he's always so optimistic and hopeful about our future.

I guess I should go dig out the list of things I've committed to doing. Where's my mop?

Scattered pictures, Of the smiles we left behind...

2006-03-05T18:31:00.000-08:00

I found a card today that C. gave me last year after mother's day. The only thing he wrote on the blank card was "I love you, babies." As grim as it sounds, I've kept several things from my pregnancy last year: the positive pregnancy tests, a print-out I made of milestone dates (due date, when I'll first feel the baby, when I can see heartbeat, gender, etc.), cards from C., pictures of the embryos prior to transfer, and a couple of other things. I know that someday I won't need them anymore and I hope it's because I'm busy with a new pregnancy. For now, though, it's somehow very important that I have them close to me. Sometimes -- especially when I'm particularly sad or melancholy, I dig the box out of my closet and I wonder if that's as close as I'll ever get to having a baby. If it is, those things will be so important to me to have kept. Either way, I'm looking forward to being able to let go of them in time.

The cycle that wouldn't end.. gracefully

2006-03-05T12:34:00.000-08:00

Last scan of the cycle today -- One follicle at 20mm 2 at 15 and one at 12. No more stims, Lupron again tomorrow and trigger tomorrow night. IUI pushed back to wednesday since I'm on the lupron anyway.

While we were there, I asked him about the success rates of injectible/IUI since this is my first after a zillion clomid/IUI. He said that injectible is a much better success rate than clomid so i'm a bit more optimistic about this cycle than i've been for the last few IUIs. And of course, we're moving forward with a DE IVF cycle anyway. That can't come soon enough for me.

click your heels together and say "there's no place like home"

2006-03-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

If i could will it to happen, I'd SO be pregnant by now. So now the question is: How do I stop spinning the wheels of wishing and willing? Letting go of this is by far the hardest life choice I've made. Or going to make, as is the case. To this end, I'm determined to:

keep the floors clean - As spring is rapidly approaching, there is less need to worry about a constant trail of mud from the back yard.
brush the dogs - Well, Jack is especially raggedy looking. (mental note: brush him outside)
catch up on some reading - At least the 3 partially read books on top of the bedside table and 2 of the yet unread ones in the middle drawer.
clean windows - Spring's here. 'nuff said.
organize the mail and file the needful - This alone could take all spring.
clean out at least one of the spare rooms -- what good is a spare room if you can't walk in and turn around?

It may not get me closer to home but look at all I will have accomplished :)

Here's your thread.. Hang on!

2006-03-04T08:34:00.000-08:00

Well, the scan yesterday revealed that baby follicle #4 has caught up. We're working with 2 follicles on each side, each between 11 and 15 mm. Scan tomorrow and we're expecting hCG trigger with IUI on Tuesday. This will the first injectible/IUI cycle for us and there's a certain suppressed optimism on my part about it. It's not outside the realm of possibility that it will work and if we don't finish the cycle we know for sure it won't work.

Tuesday morning is also a meeting with the donor coordinator at our clinic. I'm really looking forward to the meeting as I hope it will fill in some of the blanks about this process. Mostly, I'm curious about timelines? How long will it take to match us? How soon after a match will the cycle start? As usual, now that the final decision is made, I'm in a huge hurry to make it happen. Now.

But first: the dreaded 2ww. Hang in there with me.

Move it along, please

2006-03-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

All glamour aside, infertility is truly a roller coaster ride. I woke up this morning and looked out the bedroom window to see that our Japanese plum tree is blooming already. I cried. At this time last year, I was heading into my first IVF cycle with such anticipation and hope.

Truth be told, the last couple of days have been the best days I've had since last June. I could have predicted that it wouldn't last long. I cried until I fell asleep last night for no discernible reason. It just gets overwhelming sometimes and I don't have the energy to try to figure out why so I can fix it. Not to mention -- if I've learned anything through this process, I've learned that sometimes there's no figuring it out. Things just happen because they happen.

I'm determined to get up and get moving today. I know that it won't necessarily help but it can't hurt, right?

On Strike

2006-03-01T21:16:00.000-08:00

Went Monday for day 6 scan. My ovaries have gone on serious strike: 3 equal-sized follicles on each ovary (8-10mm) but e2 level in the toilet -- 61. For reference, last cycle on day 6 my e2 was over 350. So I stayed on meds and went back today expecting cancellation with a slim chance of IUI conversion. We had a brief discussion Monday morning about whether to try the antagon protocol (if i can get e2 down without lupron) or just fuggit the whole thing and wait for donor eggs. I figured I'd talk to the RE and see what he thinks. If he thinks the antagon is worth trying, I'd likely let him talk me into it if (and only if) he agrees to treat any corpus luteal cysts agressively. I will not wait another 8 months to start another cycle. Good Lord, I don't have that kind of time or energy.

None of this is surprising to me, so it didn't actually upset me that much... well except all the $$ it cost to find this out. But hey, there's always the Intertility Black Market, right? So the good news is that I made it to the top of the donor list!!! I'm being matched as we speak. So i've got that going for me. In case you're wondering, that was the form that I actually returned. Well, except I actually put our full names. And kept the real name of the clinic on the header.

I returned today and I must say: when my ovaries quit, they don't mess around. Today's scan showed 3 equal-sized follicles (10-12mm) and a smaller one that might or might not catch up. We've lost 2 altogether. We're definately converting to IUI and I think I'm going to call it quits with my eggs. This is so silly to keep trying. The truth is, I think I'd rather not be pregnant than be pregnant with my eggs and worrying so much about quality and miscarriage again. That was the worst thing that's ever happened to me and I don't know if i could make it through another one. Besides, I know that my chances of success are so much better with donor eggs. So we're going to try to convert this cycle. I've dropped meds to only lupron 5 units and Gonal-F 225IU AM. No PM meds. He thinks this is enough to keep these 3 going without wasting meds. That Gonal is so expensive! the 900IU pen is between $570 and $900, depending on where you shop. Yikes!

Hopefully I'll be matched in a few weeks and from there, it's only a couple of months before I'm in the DE cycle. The e2 level today was the last blood draw of the cycle. After this, we're just focusing on IUI. They called this afternoon -- it's up to 150 which may indicate there's at least one egg in one of those follicles. *sigh* it only takes one, right?

Donut Eggs, Anyone??

2006-02-28T13:57:00.000-08:00

ACME IVF CLINIC
DONOR EGG RECIPIENT MATCHING FORM

Recipient(s): Debbi & spouse
Date: February 28, 2006
Female Recipient Blood Type: O-

“MY IDEAL DONOR”

Race / Ethnic Background: Irish/Italian (I suppose the Italian can be substituted for “Mediterranean”)
Height Range:5’2’’ – 5’7’’ (should I really care about this? My mother’s much taller than me… maybe 5’8’’ or so… is that important?)
Weight Range: 120 – 180 (again… does ANYone say “since I’m a fat pig, please be sure my donor has a bmi of over 27?)
Body Build: athletic, big boned, etc.
Skin Tone: I go from pasty white in winter to olive in summer and I’m sure without anemia I could be even darker. You do the math.
Hair Color: brunette/auburn (or whatever the crazy cosmetologists are calling it these days)
Hair Type: wavy/thick (it’s probably actually more “voluminous” than “thick” but in case it matters.)
Eye Color: brown or hazel (mine are brown… mom’s hazel)

Please list any other characteristics that are important to you:

I’m on the phone with Spouse. He says: “Brown eyes. Brown hair. Pulse. No anorexia” (Remember, he’s a cook)
Sense of humor is a must – tell a knock-knock joke. If she doesn’t even chuckle… she’s out. Ditto for outgoing personality. Now, if she listens to your joke and tells you frankly that you should keep your day job, she’s outgoing *and* snarky – a definite keeper.

My additional characteristics:

Not afraid of animals (liking them is a plus)

Other Pluses (but not required): outgoing personality, reading, some education (I have some college, chris is attending college now but neither of us has degrees), hobbies, likes to play games, active outdoors.

But in reality, even if the donor doesn’t have any of these “pluses”, we can force our kid into submission when we feel like playing Scrabble or going rollerblading. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA did I just say “rollerblading?

Out of the closet

2006-02-25T15:17:00.000-08:00

In case you're the only person I haven't told, my interview aired on the local news on February 9th. I'm actually surprised that they did as well as they did with the context. There are a couple of things I'd change, but overall they did fine.

I just hope this helps at least one person talk about infertility without feeling crappy. Bonus points for not using any of the irritating cliches: "It's God's will" or "It'll happen if it happens". Extra crispy bucket of bonus points for taking pity on me and offering me lots of money toward my IF expenses.

My life is not my own

2006-02-25T09:04:00.000-08:00

Boy does this IF stuff suck. Major league.

I was reminded the other day of a conversation I had with a friend several years ago. We were just beginning our attempt at creating a family and she was sharing her sister's experiences. S. told me that her sister had done IVF treatments and she had to take several shots every day all the way through the treatments and even after she got pregnant. She said she had to have a shot every day throughout her pregnancy. I have a vivid memory of thinking to myself "What kind of crazy person would go through *that* just to get pregnant?"

So today as I was taking my second shot..... I realized that you just have to ask yourself "do you want to have a baby, or not?" Sometimes if you answer yes, you gotta take shots. Period. Of course, nothing goes as planned, right? Take my current IVF cycle, for example. I've been trying to get this off the ground since August. I finally started stimming Wednesday. I've been doing fine with the shots until today. Today, when I tried to get my Gonal-F into my belly, I could feel 225IU of the medicine run down my belly. Hmmmm. That's strange, I thought it was supposed to go through the needle that's already jabbed deep under my belly skin. Guess i was wrong! So i wasted abouuuut ... eh ... probably 200 dollars worth of FSH. Nice. I called the clinic and asked what to do 'cause i wasn't exactly sure how much, if any, of the medicine actually got under my skin. They told me to take an additional 150 units. So i dialed in another 225 and injected.

I'm such a rebel.

My 15 minutes of fame

2006-02-06T09:53:00.000-08:00

So a couple of weeks ago, I was cornered in my RE's office and asked if a news camera could capture a quick image of my Dr. talking to me. Somehow that turned into them interviewing me about fertility patients purchasing their meds on the gray market. Naturally, I've never purchased my meds anywhere but the pharmacy and told them that during the interview, but nonetheless, I was shocked to see a teaser on TV last night for the "Special Report" coming up Thursday night. It's an episode of Out Of Context Theater starring ME!

This should be a trip. I've already had 4 people approach me today because they've seen the teaser. *sigh*